STIGMA

 
I walked quietly without noticing the people that walked past me. No one was around when I got home, so I walked straight to my room, bolted the door behind me, removed my clothes, stared at myself in the mirror and finally entered the bathroom. This is one of those moments I enjoyed having a brother as a sibling because I did not share a bedroom and maximum privacy was assured. I let warm water flow into the bathtub, and then stepped in. I slid into the bathtub and remained there.

The phone beeped and I rushed to it on the bed. I have been expecting Uche – the one man who had the involuntary power to make me suspend my studies. We exchanged messages and as usual, he told me how much he loves me and wants to make me his wife. How I should not let anyone touch me or have time for the boys in my class because most SS1 boys just reached puberty and are looking for where to get their first ejaculation. He continued with how I should remain chaste until he breaks my hymen on the night of our wedding. But this time, we were sexting. He said we could do this so he would not have to touch me physically. He was the man because he made my clit swell with desire to be ravaged, and as a result, my panty got soaked. I felt that this was the perfect time because I suddenly did not understand Physics anymore, and reading the textbook for an assignment about how to calculate the relationship between gravity and motion was out of this world. The only motion I wanted to understand was how Uche’s hips would move on me and the gravity at which he would pound me. He mentioned how he would ram his six-inch into my beneath so that I moan, scream, and shout. I was ovulating and this seemed the perfect solution to my horny-forced sleepless nights. He continued until I squirted – it was my first. That feeling that wanted to rip me apart suddenly vanished, I was tired.

Later that night, while we spoke on phone, I told him of my new experience as it was different from the other times I just panted. From the way he spoke after my confession, I knew he thought about how it would be to grind a woman until she squirts. He has never been able to achieve that with all those 'wild' university girls who felt his instrument lacked elasticity. The thought gave him a hard on and he asked me to come over to his apartment the next day.

I found myself taking a cab to his place the next day. It was the best move I made that day because I could not concentrate all day in school. The thought of visiting my love after about five months of communicating only on phone was a distraction. Although we did not see each other often, our love blossomed like a tree planted by a riverside.

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It was an easy ride from my father's house in Ajah to Lekki where he lived. I arrived and Uche received me at the door. He hugged me tightly and later, he would let me sit on the bed. He knows how I enjoy eating fruits, so he served me some from the refrigerator and headed to his mini kitchen to get me the hot, freshly prepared jollof rice which he made with smoked fish. Because I just changed from my school uniform to a casual wear before heading out, I did not have the time to eat at home, so I invaded the plate of rice before me after perching on some fruits. He insisted he fed me which I did not enjoy because I was still getting used to being free with him physically as I am shy person, though I could be a terrible bomb on the phone.

We talked and had a good laugh after the meal. And just when I seemed to have relaxed a little bit, he drew closer. He looked as one who has everything figured out, as one who knew the strokes to pull at a particular point to have his way. He could not wait anymore – he just wanted it from now till when we eventually get married.  He said he would be careful enough not to get me pregnant, that he would let it out outside. He was aware of my 'present condition' so he talked sweetly to me, he brought up yesterday’s chat and how I felt about it. When he drew me closer to him, I could have responded better if it were on phone, but no! This is reality and I am yet to come to terms with things of this sort. I was frozen. It was the first time he had come this close to me. It was so obvious that he had become hard and was trying to get me in the mood but I suddenly became too naïve for his fancy. Mr devil had spoken to him but showed some self restraint – he loved me and would want this type of intimacy to be voluntary – for me to reciprocate, that way, I will leave trails of marks made by my nails on his back. This would make him feel more of a man. He wanted my experience with him to be special and cherished but I was not being positive and he was saddened by that. I believe he had true feelings for me unlike those hit and run, one-night-stand adventures.

The wetness I had earlier had suddenly dried up. He pleaded and cajoled, as he reminded me about how he made me feel those other times, and made promises about how this time would best the other times but I remained unmoved. The thought of having a real penetration at 15 frightened me, so I did not budge, rather I opted to go home. Then Mr devil pushed Uche and he pounced on me.

I came out from the bathtub where the warm water has now become tepid and bloody. I walked downstairs to my brother and mother who has by now returned from the office. I have made a decision, I have resolved to serve God with my remaining body. Romantic love and relationship is not meant for me and thus, I must swerve now before the pain I feel within would be channelled wrongly. In Sunday School and Tuesday classes in church, the priests usually say people find peace in God. That is where I should head because I need absolute peace.